Taking Good Care of Your Puppy-dog Mind…
Give it a rawhide mantra* to chew on — give yourself a break
I love the analogy of a ‘Puppy-dog Mind’
My clients do too. It’s almost magical, when I first introduce the concept of the ‘Puppy-dog Mind’— to my (dog-loving!) clients.
I found myself writing this in a recent blog on the topic:
I feel (clients) relax when I offer (this analogy). Tense shoulders melt into puzzled relief. They smile with surprise at the thought that it might be a puppy they’re facing. A puppy in need of some serious training — a puppy that’s been running amok.
Up until then, they’ve been wrestling an alligator — getting pretty mashed up in the process.
When clients find me, they’re generally experiencing one or more problems, mostly involving loss.
Loss of a loved one is the heartache for many. What huge torment that brings…
Others, more subtly — with sadness gone chronic — feel like they’ve lost track of their smile. Life may be full of activity, sure, but they aren’t enjoying it much.
Others again feel they’ve lost all direction. They lack energy, lack passion, lack purpose.
One way or another, it feels like they’re wrestling an alligator. They’re exhausted. They want to give up.
What kind of alligator is that alligator? What’s all the wrestling about?
What kind of alligator? The cold and cruel kind. The calculating-ruin kind. The sly sneak-up-and-snatch-hold-of-you kind.
The alligator of mind-in-motion.
We’ve all experienced a mind in motion, momentum past stopping, going nowhere good, fast…
With huge jaws gaping, body-width span, it seems to smile as it contemplates the deal… It catches us off-guard, with waves of emotion. Feelings rise up out of nowhere… They take us so fast there’s no tracking them back to the subtle thoughts that spawned them.
“Chatter consists of the cyclical negative thoughts and emotions that turn our singular capacity for introspection into a curse, rather than a blessing. We introspect, hoping to tap into our inner coach but find our inner critic instead.” — Ethan Kross, Chatter
This is a mind with ancient disposition. A dinosaur with evil intent. A monster, it lurks…
That’s how it feels when we’re struggling with loss. When we take on the spiralling of a mind in self-sabotage, we are faced with what feels like a monster in our mind. We begin to hate the ‘self’. The self that thinks. That feels. The ‘me’ that can’t break free…
“Unless timely arrested, murderous bouts of self-hatred can destroy a person.” — Kilroy J. Oldster, Dead Toad Scrolls
Where does that alligator come from?
It comes from a mind untrained and traumatised, returning to default-mode, unbidden. To its Default Mode Network (DMN), to be more precise. Markham Heid discusses this ‘Me’ network, in his blog on daydreaming. He shares Brewer’s observation:
“When we get caught up in craving or in worrying about all the worst-case scenarios, that seems to be when the default mode network is activated,” — Judson Brewer, MD, PhD
Scientists are exploring the DMN, in attempts to understand the impact of allowing a mind to wander. Their findings are complex and mixed. The DMN is a natural part of the mind’s functioning. Daydreaming, as well as habitual worrying are default modes for the mind. Anyone in the line for a latte knows that…
It’s impossible to control the mind in every moment of every day. Those who’ve taken on the alligator will know this. If life feels generally good to us, our default mode is sunny. If life’s been traumatic, it’s bleaker…
But it’s not quite as simple as that. Because two people face trauma with different default settings. We know this. Eger and Frankl and so many others teach us the bold, elemental truth:
“There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.” — Shakespeare, Hamlet
Masters tell us it’s not our outer world that troubles us, gives us grief, sadness or despair. It’s the inner world of thoughts about it that bring us down.
It’s tough to grasp the concept.
The world outside is compelling. But it’s not the cause of our pain. Events don’t make the alligator. Our thoughts about them do.
It’s not the absence of my husband’s body beside me that has me sobbing now he’s gone… It’s the thoughts I have about it that make me cry.
Tough, but true.
It’s thoughts like, I need him, and I’m lost without him, that cause the mayhem in my mind. I know that, because most of the time I’m not crying. Much of the time, I’m smiling. Life is exquisite. Even now. Especially now. That wouldn’t be possible if the outer world called the shots.
Chatter, from Ethan Kross, is a mine of information and advice:
“…internal self-talk — especially anxious, ruminative thoughts — tend to be neither organised nor coherent. It’s more emotional and repetitive, like a pin-balling of negativity,” — Ethan Kross
Where does wrestling the alligator get us?
There’s a ton of advice out there for how to take on the mind. How to ‘push through’ emotion, how to create habits that serve us. Valid and valuable advice, to be sure.
I found, however, that once my DMN negativity had reached alligator proportions — as it had done a while back — the monster defeated me, every time.
- Go for a walk, it’s good for you. I couldn’t make myself go.
- Stop working and rest for a bit. No way, José, can’t do it.
- Exercise, you’ll feel better. Are you kidding? Give me chocolate and leave me be.
What I hadn’t realised then, and I so appreciate now, is that the gatekeeper to soothing is love. Always love. And the Self is the one that needs soothing.
One big step towards loving the Self, is telling a different story about it. If ‘Self’ has become a monster, it won’t evoke love. Time for a reframe — to give ourselves a break.
When the mind’s a monster, we’re pretty f****d up
When it’s a puppy in training… that’s a whole different ball game.
It IS a ball game. And that makes all the difference.
We know that the DMN is influence-able — we can get training it now.
Thinking of training a Puppy-dog Mind (rather than wrestling a ‘gator) we can assume:
- it’ll take time to train it — and that’s okay
- it’s going to mess up, (big time!) — and that’s okay too
- it needs lots of attention — we’ve a big job on our hands
- it’s not just for Christmas — we’re in this for the long haul
- it’s really, really loveable — it truly wants to please
- it’s going to grow up beautifully — well-trained, it’s a lifetime of joy
“You have power over your mind — not outside events. Realise this and you will find strength.” — Marcus Aurelius
An example of the mind in training:
As I work on it, (and oh boy, do I ever work on it!) I bring my thoughts on the the loss of my husband around...
From, “I need him here,” to, “I have everything I need.”
From, “I’m lost without him,” to, “I am finding my way.”
“When the wisdom of the heart replaces the chatter of the mind, the power of love flows forth.” — Marianne Williamson
The piece that’s missing from most advice I encounter is the need to acknowledge and work with emotion.
Abraham’s work is priceless here.
To tap into the wisdom of the heart, we must voice and appreciate the role of our emotions. Not ‘push through’ them or sidestep them with willpower and discipline.
The tools I find most helpful for myself and for clients are discussed in my other blogs. And in future blogs to come!
Bottom line: we need to get ourselves feeling better first and then take action. Once positive action feels good, great. Do it.
Kross gives generously as he directs us towards his:
Chatter Toolbox: 10 great tools to harness your chatter
- Distanced self talk — talk to yourself as if you were someone else, using the word ‘you’
- Zooming out — bigger picture thinking — future pacing can be good — What will I think of this in a year’s time? type of thing
- Rising to the challenge — take it on, when you’re up for it, chunk it down if it helps
- Writing expressively — SO powerful! Write it exactly as you feel it. It helps. Hugely.
- Engaging in ritual — establish simple repetitive, mindful tasks. Make your bed exquisitely, for example
- Building a ‘chatter board’ — a board of great people to go to for different kinds of soothing
- Reducing exacerbation — cut time spent on social media
- Get outdoors — trees are so good for us!
- Seek awe — nothing allows joy like wonder
Jari Roomer, in this week’s ‘Elevation’ email echoes Kross with the following, headed up so well:
“If you don’t train your brain to be okay without constant (over) stimulation, you can’t do these things. You’ll keep being a slave to your impulses.
To train your brain to be less addicted to overstimulation, I recommend:
Meditation (10 minutes per day is enough)
At least 90 minutes of daily deep work/study (no distractions allowed)
No smartphone, social media, and Netflix for the first hour of the day
Practise more offline habits such as nature walks, journaling, reading, playing sports, etc.”
“The happiest people aren’t rich, they’re mindful” — Chase Arbeiter
But if you’re struggling to do the simplest of things, your puppy-dog mind’s likely in overwhelm.
The magic of mantra
If that’s the case, I recommend using a mantra. Not for a 15 or 20 minute meditation slot in the day — although that’s great use of mantra too.
I’m talking about using a mantra all day long. Gently. Soothingly. Returning to it in all the spaces of your day. In the gaps between tasks. When you’re aware your mind’s wandering.
Use the mantra in the way that you’d hand a puppy a rawhide chew. You know your puppy will enjoy it and it will keep the little darling from mischief for a while…
“…using your voice — whether you’re murmuring a calming mantra or talking yourself through a problem — can silence unhelpful internal dialogues and also influence how you feel and perform.” — Markham Heid
The mantra effect — now evidenced in scientific studies is not to be underestimated.
Pick a simple word. Or sound. With generally positive or neutral content.
I use the word love.
Over and over and over it goes, pulsing through my being.
Love… love… love… love… love… love… love…
24/7.
Love… love… love… love… love… love… love…
It brings such relief. It prevents so much mayhem!
Love… love… love… love… love… love… love…
The whole point of the mantra is to acknowledge that your mind will run amok, why wouldn’t it, it’s just a pup? So when it does, there’s no sense of failure. It’s just a case of going back to basic training. We smile to ourselves as we say to the Puppy-dog Mind:
Here’s a mantra. Chew on that for a bit, Sweetheart. There you go…
Using a mantra all through the day, relaxing yourself into it each time your puppy makes a mess, you’ll find, very soon, your default setting rises. Soon there’ll be less mind running amok. Your puppy settles faster. Smiling results.
You’ll notice the difference I promise you.
Here’s to loving your puppy-dog mind. No more wrestling with ‘gators!
Mantra* — the word mantra in this blog is used in the lightest possible sense. I am not a master of meditation and I know the word mantra comes from teachings deeper than I can possibly imagine.